Monday, September 17, 2007

Pee Cubed

Poor Planning=Piss Poor Performance

Today was supposed to be my long run, long overdue since my injury.

I didn't plan out my route the night before, mainly because I spent my time writing up timelines and packing lists for field exercises for ROTC, but also because I don't manage time very effectively.

So this morning comes, I get dressed in my IPFU (the Army physical fitness uniform) and head out to the Esplanade to train the company.

We do an easy four mile run, which warms my legs and makes me feel all sorts of speedy.

Then, after all that, I decide there is only one way to get in a proper 16 mile run without blowing my pace.

I will go to the Fitness Recreation Center and jog on a treadmill.

Another mile later, I'm at the FitRec stretching out. I notice my stomach is a little rumbly, but I figure it's just eagerness.

I forget that I ate a half-a-pizza last night.

About two miles in, running at an 8:40 pace (6 seconds faster than my marathon pace) I run into a hurdle: IBS.

I don't suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrom (which is the most aptly named malady ever), but rather my own special brand of intestinal discomfort I like to call Inopportune Big Shits.

I rush to the bathroom and drop off my excess baggage, swearing at myself for missing the key step in a long run: the pre-run download.

At this time, I'd like to ask a question: When you spend twenty million dollars on a sports facility, why do you spend forty cents a roll on tissue paper for the toilets?

After running six cumulative miles, one can only assume my "regions" will be moist, and any fool can understand the problems this creates when tissue-thin TP is applied to the mix.

Anyway, I get back on the treadmill, but my legs are now cramping something awful and my stomach is giving me warning shots. I figure I've blown the long run, so I can at least get my cross-training in.

I hit the weights, working arms and back, chest and biceps. After a half hour, I bike until sweat drips down my collar and forms a fine half-moon. Basically a fifteen minute burnout.

Then I jog the 3/4 miles home and shower. And stretch.

Oh did I stretch.

I think I invented a new one called the "Oh wow, that hurts more than I intended."

I'm going to use Google Earth to map out my route on the Esplanade, and tomorrow I will go out and run a decent milage. There are no excuses anymore.

As always, Run fasterest.


i give you five guess! said...

run fasterest, and poop earlierest.

Amy said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but a darn funny post to a few not so funny moments. Good luck on your long one.